Archive for the ‘ Family ’ Category

The Horror of it All

I must be on to something big, because I am having a hard time adjusting to it. My mind has accepted it; but my body still stubbornly rejects it, declaring that it couldn’t possibly be real.

The idea of the end of the world is probably as old as the idea of God: the world has become so evil God will destroy it completely and start over again. This appealed to many people when they still believed in God, but this is no longer the case. Lots of people say they still believe in God, but they really don’t – they are just being safe by pretending to believe, while they really believe in something else. Another writer has described this as an unconscious society, and looking at it this way begins to make sense to me too.

I will not dwell on what this new religion is in this posting, but only mention in passing that it has something to do with a new power complex, based mainly on dominance of business on a global scale.

A big shift has gone on in the last two hundred years that we do not understand consciously, so it must have happened unconsciously. This makes sense, our minds are feeble instruments for grasping reality – but we refuse to recognize this. This was the dark side of the Enlightenment: it caused us to rely too much on our minds, on reason.

The slightest self-reflection on the reliability of our minds should have convinced us of the foolishness of relying on them too much. But this did not happen, and we rushed headlong into madness. Even the disaster of the French Revolution, based on the most rational of principles, did not convince us of this mistake. Much later, the horrors of the Holocaust, which were completely rational from the Nazi point of view, did not wake us up either. Now the ultimate evil has befallen us, we are completely defenseless against it.

I am as helpless here as anyone else. My mind can see what is going on, but my body rejects it completely – and insists I am going crazy instead. What is going on here?

It’s simple: over millions of years we had developed confidence in ourselves – as a species. And the belief if we stuck together we would not only survive, but thrive – which did indeed happen. We cannot now, at this late date, reverse our internal programming and realize that continuing to do what we are doing will be the end of us. This does not make sense in the most fundamental sense: to our bodies, where all this programming is stored.

Allow me to speculate on the location of the mind and the body (or the conscious and the unconscious)- something people far more competent than myself have struggled with. I have no idea where these two things are, but it is clear to me that they are in separate places, with tenuous communications between them. The Enlightenment model of the huge, powerful mind with a more-or-less obedient body somehow attached to it – is simply false, and radically so. But we refuse to recognize this fundamental error – even though it is killing us. We would rather die than admit the error of our ways.

This brings me back to the title of this essay: the horror of it all. The horror of our present situation is so great it overwhelms us and renders us incapable of dealing with it. It has happened so slowly and insidiously (during a period of over two hundred years) and has destroyed us so completely, we cannot believe it has happened.

After I wrote this, I read an article by the psychiatrist Iain McGilchrist in the Poetry Magazine site.  He also has a book The Master and His Emissary: The Divided Brain and the Making of the Western World. This is another book I must read. I end with his quote from another poet:

Gone out every bright thing from my mind.
All lost that ever God himself designed.
Not half can be written of cruelty of man, on man.
Not often such evil guessed as between Man and Man.

The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck

Wikipedia - Casabianca

The poem commemorates an actual incident that occurred in 1798 during the Battle of the Nile aboard the French ship Orient. The young son Giocante (his age is variously given as ten, twelve and thirteen) of commander Louis de Casabianca remained at his post and perished when the flames caused the magazine to explode.

This poem was a staple of elementary school readers in the United States over a period of about a century spanning, roughly, the 1850s through the 1950s. So often memorized and recited as to lose any shred of meaning or emotion, it is today remembered mostly as a tag line and as a topic of parodies.

As a schoolchild of the Fifties, that certainly applies to me – and it still has a strong effect on me today. And in my old age the reason is finally becoming clear.

The boy in the poem is me and his father was my father. The comparison sounds ridiculous, since my family and his family were from entirely different social classes. But poetry is able to overlook such differences and get to the heart of the matter. The poem is about a boy being faithful to his father’s ideals – even as they were going up in flames.

This is what was happening back in the Fifties: my father’s world was going up in flames – but in contrast with this dramatic historical incident, no one was noticing what was going on. And still no one is noticing.

My father was a feeble remnant of a vanishing modern world – but as his son, like all sons, I thought he was wonderful. It has taken me a long time to deal with his inadequacies – which were shocking. And I am still trying to deal with the passing of the modern world, which believed in creating a better world. It has been replaced with a world which is actively destroying that world.

Dad was his own person, however feeble. He could never work for anybody else, he had to run his own business. But he was living in a time when small businesses (especially the family farm) were being destroyed. He built his own business (a whole wheat mill and bakery), and worked himself to death trying to make it work.

This destruction happened throughout my working life; I worked for company after company that was destroying itself.  I never got over the shock of it. I was an idealist, and my ideals were being destroyed. Hell, I was being destroyed.

I now live in the ruins of my life, surrounded by the ruins of many other lives (gringos, who for various reasons have ended up in Costa Rica). The ship has gone down, and we are surrounded by its flotsam.

An Obsession With Respectability

This was the central concern of my parents – respectability – a typical bourgeois concern – although my family never heard of that term – and probably would not have considered it respectable, if they had accidentally heard it used back in their throughly respectable Middle West.

Today, no one remembers that compulsion – probably because the memory of it is too painful. It is certainly the central curse of our accursed family – one which I am just beginning to come to grips with.

To begin with, that was the reason my parents married – to be upwardly mobile, successful, and therefore more respectable. The two hated each other with a passion – but that didn’t stop them from marrying and having children – who couldn’t cope with all the dark currents swirling around them.

However, they did succeed in being seen as respectable – how, none of their children could understand. Evidently, they realized everything depended on appearances, and they concentrated on that – and ended up being hypocrites – but since this too was common, no one noticed.

In all fairness, I should admit that they were like most of their peer group for that time and place. I am sure this is one of the reasons for the decline of America. With a start like this, it’s a wonder we even survived.

Expect to hear more about this subject.

The Importance of the Band in my Father’s Time

Church band

Church band

My father was a bandsman all his life. This was part of the culture he grew up in – where people made their own music to entertain their neighbors and their friends. I remember fondly a family concert at my grandmother’s house where she played the piano, Dad sang, and Grandfather played the harmonica – all of them proud of their musical skill. When they got electricity and a radio, all this vanished – never to return.

Recently, some relics of those band days have come to light. All the band members in the photo wore a cape, which was not shown to advantage in this black-and-white photo – they were ornate, with gold linings. They also wore special caps, and the bandmaster, my uncle Walter, (center row on left) had a military-style cap with a bill. Many of them also played in the Santa Fe band, and the scout band.

In those days, no respectable person, man or woman, went out without a hat on.

The photo shows my grandfather (behind the bass drum), my father Harold, my father’s sister, Onie, and Nita, the daughter of Walter. Although band members tended to be male, they also included some competent female musicians.

Music, music you played yourself, was a big part of their life.

Filthy Ft. Madison

It is 1:27 AM. I woke up at midnight, and just finished listening to The Magnificent Ambersons, and don’t feel like sleeping. I was very impressed by this novel, not the kind of thing I usually enjoy, since my tastes run more to non-fiction.

It was about a prominent family in a growing town in the Midwest early in the 20th Century – and how they became less prominent. One thing it  stressed over and over was the filthiness of an industrial town of the time, due to the burning of coal.

This was the kind of town I was born into: Ft. Madison, Iowa, halfway between Chicago and Kansas City, where the Santa Fe Railroad had a large repair depot for its steam engines. Everyone in the West End of town worked for the railroad, directly or indirectly. And the steam railroad engines were some of the filthiest, and most dangerous machines that ever existed. The Santa Fe had its own hospital to patch up its employees.

It’s hard to believe now, but the Midwest used to be the industrial heartland of America – it is now referred to as the Rust Belt of America. But back then it was a lively place, full of workers. Not the cleanest workers, nothing could stay clean, but one’s with full lunch pails – and a cheap little home, also heated by coal. This was still the world of coal, the miracle fuel of the time.

As the oldest child in my family, I can just barely remember it myself. And I want to record my memories.

Avenue L was the dividing line between the blue-collar working district and the newer suburbs to the north. America was still a class-conscious society, to a degree we cannot imagine now, where the blue-collar workers were looked down on. My father was ashamed of his working-class family, although there was nothing really wrong with them. He married into a white-collar family, who thought highly of themselves.

My father’s family had started out as immigrant farmers, going broke on one farm after the other in Iowa, Nebraska, and the Ozarks. Then they heard about the jobs on the railroad and moved there, with many others. Grandfather Smith was a wheel-knocker - or as my father preferred to think of him: a safety inspector. When a train came into the yard a red flag was placed on the locomotive, and it could not leave until it had been inspected.

Grandfather would walk down both sides of the train, tapping each wheel with a long-handled hammer to see if it was cracked, and feeling for hot-boxes. The old journal bearings had a habit of seizing up and catching on fire. This was not a highly-skilled job, the main requirement was that the inspector be reliable: to show up on time, and be sober. Grandfather, a religious man, did not drink at all – and so was ideal for the job.

I can still remember visiting my grandparents home, near the railroad tracks, after WWII. Grandfather had chickens in the side yard and a pig pen across the railroad tracks. None of the houses were insulated because coal was so cheap, and long icicles would hang from the edges of the roof, caused by snow melting from the roofs. The roads were muddy and rutted, quite a contrast to my mother’s home town, just across the Mississippi River which had gravel roads.

The houses were so cheap their neighbors would just buy them and tear them down when they became vacant – to keep the neighborhood from becoming too run down. I was born in one of these, owned by my Grandmother Smith, who was the businessman of the family. Grandfather had no head for money, but was a charming fellow. She was determined to move up in the world, and this little house was across Avenue L, in a more upscale neighborhood. But it was still a real neighborhood where everyone knew everyone else, where everyone shopped at the same grocery store and went to the same churches, only a few blocks away. There was no need for a car.

When Father started making money, during the War, we moved to a better neighborhood, one block further away from Avenue L – but one that I hated, because I no longer had any friends there; people didn’t speak to each other; I only had girls to play with (Barbara White and Elvyn Weibler); at the time girls didn’t interest me much.

But I started to talk about dirt, and there was still plenty of that around. We were planning to move to my Mother’s home town, a lovely little fruit-growing area across the Mississippi River, and we used to go there often. The adults used to notice how the air quality improved as soon as we got to the bridge across the river. There was also a paper mill in town, where they made paper out of straw, and when they opened the vats after cooking the straw, the stink was overwhelming, even for Ft. Madison.

It was a rough town, in more ways than one, and I was glad to get out of it.

First Cousin, Once Removed

What on earth does this mean? Our genealogical skills, as found in the wild, are inadequate for this simple task.

Fortunately, help is at hand: in Wikipedia, and this article is excellent – worthy of a Nobel Prize, in my opinion. Click on the link and see for yourself.

According to this, the Smiths and the Garretts (spelling?) are first cousins, once removed. Or are they second cousins? My memory of the family tree is inadequate for the job.

By the way, I am working on a genealogy chart again, but this time using Open Office Draw, a really good program that anyone can use, once all the necessary goodies are set up right.

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