Defective Desire

I’m sure everyone agrees that there is such thing as defective desire. And that this is one of the problems with our defective world. It is messed up, because we want the wrong things. Things that are not good for us.

Taking this a step further, however – is difficult – if not impossible. Our minds will agree that something is badly wrong – but refuse to consider what that might be. Or, even worse – will insist that nothing really bad is going on at all!

To put this another way – we have lost our minds – and don’t want them back.

That last sentence, that came to me as I was struggling to compose my thoughts – strikes me as original and worthwhile. We have lost our minds. Perhaps that is one thought that will penetrate the armor of our defenses.

Or perhaps I am deluding myself again – once the mind is gone, it seldom comes back. It fled out of terror, and once it experiences that – it never forgets. All we can do is ask ourselves – what was it so scared of? And the answer is easy – of being killed!

I saw this once, for myself – the sheer terror of the office environment. I was married, and working for the Army, at making its nuclear weapons (it was trying to catch up to the Air Force). We thought it would be nice if my wife had a job also.

So I got her one, working for the same place. One the first day of her work there, I got an emergency call “Come and get your wife, she is tearing up the office!” And sure enough, she had felt what was going on there – and had freaked out.

I didn’t know what was going on, and took her to a doctor, who freaked out also – and gave her a shot that knocked her out. This was my introduction to mental illness – and I would get many more. Until, five years later, she finally had a complete mental collapse, and ordered me out of her life. And then, a few years later – killed herself.

No one knew what was going on – and no one would know. The problem was too big for them to comprehend. Only now, thirty years later, living in Costa Rica – I understand.

Don’t bother to ask me what I understand – it’s too simple to explain.


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