Sex is Not Nice

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

You already knew this – or did you? Esther Perel is making me take a new look.

I’m not in any danger of developing an active sex life – all that is long behind me. But she is making me notice how I take notice of all the women around me – at what parts of their bodies I take especial notice of. A primitive part of my brain is still interested in you-know-what.

She notes that sex predated Civilization and the Enlightenment – by millions of years. And operates along different lines – that are not interested in the niceties of life.


Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence


This is a great book by a great gal.

It ends like this:

For those who aspire to accelerate their heartbeat periodically, I give them the score: excitement is interwoven with uncertainty, and with our willingness to embrace the unknown rather than to shield ourselves from it. But this very tension leaves us feeling vulnerable. I caution my patients that there is no such thing as “safe sex.” I should point out, however, that not all lovers seek passion, or even, at one time, basked in it. Some relationships originate in feelings of warmth, tenderness, and nurturance, and the partners choose to remain in these calmer waters. They prefer a love that is built on patience more than on passion. To them, finding serenity in a lasting bond is what counts. There is no one way, and there is no right way.

Mating in Captivity aspires to engage you in an honest, enlightened, and provocative discussion. It encourages you to question yourself, to speak the unspoken, and to be unafraid to challenge sexual and emotional correctness. By flinging the doors open on erotic life and domesticity, I invite you to put the X back in sex.


Notes from Auden Land

Poetry Foundation

This a a prose article about Poetry. It shows off both to good advantage.

Auden moved to the States in 1939 – as part of the Brain Drain, where England’s smartest and brightest, moved to greener pastures.

I knew a woman once, who as a young English woman in WWII, seduced a GI, made him marry her, moved to the States – and then got rid of the husband. Her daughter was my live-in girlfriend in the Seventies, and continued the family tradition – give them sex, take what they got – and leave them abruptly.

Inside the Trump Marriage – Melania’s Burden

Vanity Fair

The union made perfect sense for Donald too. After demanding Ivana and needy Marla, Melania would be the perfect mate, one who would be an advertisement for his virility while giving him his “space.” Federico Pignatelli, a longtime Trump friend and business associate, who founded the fashion studio Pier 59, says, “Ivana was an intelligent, entrepreneurial woman. Also a very strong-minded person and very feisty. While instead, Melania . . . really no fights.” For her part, Melania would get a luxurious home where she could indulge her hobbies—Pilates and reading fashion magazines, according to People—in peace, and a promise that she would never have to return to drab Eastern-European prospects. Donald accompanied Melania to her homeland once. “I was there for about 13 minutes,” he later said to Larry King with Melania by his side. “We landed. I said, Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Bye.” Eventually Trump brought her family over to New York (where her parents now live for most of the year), allowing her to cut ties with the Old Country.

I was desperate to learn more about Trump, and this article told me a lot. It also told me a lot about the Americans who elected him – and are willing to overlook his boorish behavior. New York City has always had its share of rich and vulgar people – and you get to meet them too.

When I worked in the area, in the Sixties, we always drove to NYC for the weekend, no matter how long the drive – and ignored D.C. It has picked up some since then – since no talent is necessary for access to the instant money available there.

Sex and Money

Sex is important, and money is important. Man is the only animal with both. But without the moxie to manage this explosive mixture.

My personal experience of this was typical. I was obsessed with Sex (with a capital S) and thought it the most important thing in the world – indeed, in the entire universe. I didn’t get along with the girls, relationships were too complicated – so I masterbated a lot. I was, in short, a mixed-up kid. And remained that way for most of my life.

In my old age (I am 79) I could say my celibate behavior is due to increased wisdom – but in truth, it is due to a lack of money. Women (even in Costa Rica) are expensive.

But this simple explanation is not truthful. There have been women down here, perfectly willing to have sex with me, on almost any basis. But I have balked. Why? Because I was not smart enough to manage a sexual relationship.

The ones I had in the past (including a marriage of five years) were a disaster. I came to the conclusion that giving a woman that much power over me, was not a smart idea. I don’t have enough will-power to manage it.

This is no doubt due to the relationship between my father and mother (she was the boss, and she didn’t even try to hide this) and this was typical of the Midwest in general – matriarchies were the rule, and the men died early.

I saw no reason to continue this.

The Female Orgasm

Come Again? Orgasm privilege, casual sex, and female pleasure

I was tempted to pass this one up. I can sympathize with Women’s problems – when considered abstractly. But in practice, I have been as much of a failure at this as anyone.

I am tempted to say “It’s their problem, not mine!” Or “They brought this on themselves – since they have treated men so badly!” Or “We never talk about this!”

The best I can do is just stay out of it – and have no women in my personal life at all.